ineke.co.uk

There are as many points between 1st and 2nd in the Premier League as there are between 1st and 20th in The Championship.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) February 9, 2020

Listen to that wind

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 9, 2020

It’s a bit windy. #StormCiara pic.twitter.com/RJCxenhEL2

— Mike Pattinson (@MikePattinson) February 9, 2020

The payoff in the final one second of this clip would have been worth waiting much, much longer for. https://t.co/q19Z3C7Ztt

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) February 9, 2020

Unexpected result of #StormCiaًra – our front door has developed a farting problem. You could say its a bit…. windy. (I'll see myself out) pic.twitter.com/1KAj56yPuf

— Lotti (@yorickisntdead) February 9, 2020

BREAKING: As UK is hit by both Storm Ciara and Coronavirus, Boris Johnson declares state of emergency as he can't find way of blaming them on the EU.

— The Poke (@ThePoke) February 10, 2020

Every odd number contains the letter e.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 11, 2020

Because my identity is in Christ I'm free to be truly unimportant

— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) February 12, 2020

Every "c" in the words "Pacific Ocean" is pronounced differently. The beauty of the English language, eh?

— Paul Chantler (@PaulChantler) February 11, 2020

In Budapest there's a fountain that looks like a book: every few seconds a sheet of water blasts forth from the book's spine, arcing from one side to the other, creating the illusion that an invisible force is turning the pages of this marble tome [gif: https://t.co/FToSO30KQq] pic.twitter.com/a0oUQrKXYt

— Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) October 2, 2019

As Boris Johnson proposes spending £20 billion on a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland, British voters wonder if they could perhaps have those 40 hospitals instead.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 11, 2020

No2 child is now removing all songs from my youth group playlist which she regards as “dead”.

It’s a massacre.

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) February 12, 2020

FYI @AmazonUK to turn off the children’s smart watches that I sent to senior management this morning whack the SIM card out. We bought them on your site and hacked them (very easily, worryingly) which is why I can track them and could sing to your bosses through them lol!!!🎤🤓

— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) February 12, 2020

A very important Venn diagram pic.twitter.com/MRVShONL2t

— Dave (@davechannel) February 12, 2020

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder! pic.twitter.com/k2eAyqSWvK

— The Cute Plug (@TheCutePlug) February 11, 2020

Alone on valentines tomorrow? Here is how to spend your day.

1: Buy 100s of plastic rings
2: Hide in the kitchen of a fancy restaurant
3: Put rings in glasses of champagne
4: Watch

— Dave (@davechannel) February 13, 2020

Me need secret admirer to send me cookies…

— Cookie Monster (@MeCookieMonster) February 13, 2020

this is why Beyoncé won’t do press https://t.co/3PZT6ZLBqG

— nick grimshaw (@grimmers) February 9, 2020

After banning Man City from European competition for two years, UEFA says it considered doing the same to Man Utd but there was no point.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 14, 2020

Gender identity years ago was just called personality. We didn’t, luckily have such narrow stereotypes. We are regressing. And if gender is a spectrum so be it but sex is not! Its not changeable & it’s binary. We identify bodies 2000yrs old by DNA & bone structure. Nature. https://t.co/viDgrKAOVG

— Sharron Davies MBE (@sharrond62) February 14, 2020

Peter Crouch must be protected at all costs pic.twitter.com/ImM9OrssDr

— Chris Applegate (@chrisapplegate) February 14, 2020

Went to the ER because “my legs have turned blue and Web MD says I have deep vein thrombosis.”

Was this it? The big one?

No! I have the “dumbass who doesn’t wash his new jeans before wearing them” disease and I would like to be executed immediately.

— Mark (@MShrayber) January 25, 2020

When I was in middle school I sat my parents down to tell them I have cancer bc I had mysterious bruises all over my body. When they finally stopped laughing at me they explained that I sleep walk into a table every night.

— Kara also this week (@KaraNextWeek) January 25, 2020

I thought I had diabetes one time. Every time I peed it would smell sweet. Excess sugar in the urine! Turns out my wife put an air freshener in our toilet…

— Relentless Positivity Fitness (@HsvBootCamp) January 26, 2020

Something I wrote in The Sunday Times a month ago. pic.twitter.com/rFVUtILSCw

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) February 15, 2020

Might be an idea to ignore every inch of tabloid coverage of this horrible news. They profited from her life, they certainly don’t deserve to profit from her death. #Caroline

— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) February 15, 2020